Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Is There A Doctor in the House?” November 22, 2010Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
Last Week: Kandi bitched about Kim, NeNe’s marriage sucks, and Phaedra the Frog is lying her pregnant ass off.
The Frog: Is in a car with her hot piece of ass husband. He’s talking and is ruining the fantasy. The Frog is scared of having the baby—she’s scared the tadpole will kill her. Anyway, she and the hot piece of ass go to Augusta to a bed and breakfast. She interviews that she decided to have the tadpole in Augusta because she’s friends with some Dr. Lue who just happens to be the best OB/GYN in all of Georgia. Nothing but the best for the Frog!
Anyway, they talk about the size of her tadpole—apparently, the baby is huge. Whatever. I don’t care. The hot piece of ass continues to open his mouth and ruin the fantasy. The Frog has a dawning realization that the tadpole will mean no more manis and pedis every fucking day.
Kandi: Lisa shows up to some event. Hey, you boring ass heifer! Kandi apparently has a tacky-ass clothing boutique. She says it’s an investment. Sheree tries to invoke her erstwhile status as a “fashion designer”—shut up, Sheree. Anyway, Lisa continues to suck up airtime. Kim shows up with a gift…a wig. An ugly one at that. Cynthia rightly says that that wig was ugly. Kandi interviews that the wig looked “hookerish.” Honey, that’s putting it nicely. Anyway, Dwight shows up, which leads to the Supermodel and Kim interrogating him about the Frog having the baby at seven months. Kim actually sounded interesting and intelligent when she let Dwight know that you can’t reasonably have a healthy baby at seven months. It was like Kim the Golddigging Moron was replaced by Kim the Reasonably Decent Sounding Humanoid. I like that Kim. Too bad she’ll disappear in about five minutes. “Who’s the father?” Kim asks. Dwight says “The husband is the father.” Puhlease. The audience ain’t buying it, and neither is Kim. “Y’all are shady,” she opines. Dwight goes to get another cocktail and Kim tells Supermodel that they’re full of shit.
All the ho’wives gossip about the Frog and the tadpole.
NeNe: Interviews for a television job with Karen Greer and channel 11. She figures that now that her marriage is destroyed she needs an actual job. She meets with a “manager of content” and some other humanoid who’s the “VP of news.” My god, what a useless title. She says she wants to do entertainment news for channel 11—in other words, uselessness. Apparently, an interview she did with Lindsay Lohan’s dad turned into a disaster because she said some shit about him. Manager of Content and VP of News tell NeNe that she has to be aware of all things at all times. Karen Greer says that NeNe shouldn’t have “airs” on air. MoC and VPoN ask who she’d like to interview. She says, OF COURSE, Tyler Fucking Perry. Goddamn, is there no escape from this bewigged behemoth? She name drops MoNique and Jermaine Dupri. MoC and VPoN are all, “Black people we’ve possibly heard of! Wow! She must be connected!” I guess she got the job, because she leaves all happy and shit.
The Frog: She and her hot piece of ass show up to the hospital. When the nurse asks her how many weeks she is, she says, exasperatedly, “Oh, I don’t know.” See, this bitch is full of some goddamn shit, right there. EVERY pregnant woman I’ve EVER known can tell you without a moment’s hesitation how far along they are. Lying ass frog. Anyway, she’s escorted to her room, but all Apollo cares about is if the hospital has wi-fi. The Frog makes a comment about the building across from her window and, as usual, has to make classist comments like, “That looks like the projects” and “Oh, they took me to the hood!” Bitch, you should be so lucky.
She then proceeds to make a stupid ass of herself by interviewing that she’s worried about surviving the experience of childbirth. Oh, shut the fuck up. Then her mama shows up. Is her mama proud that she raised a bourgie, arrogant frogtastic moron? Apollo, back from surfing for porn, holds his dear wife’s hand. Isn’t that hot piece of ass so sweet? The nurse tells her to find her focal point. It isn’t her hot piece of ass’s hot ass.
NeNe: She shows up for her first day of work looking rather decent. One woman has a “Did someone ACTUALLY give this bitch a job here?” look on her face. One guy nods his head—clearly he saw that look and was responding to it. Yep, NeNe, they’re really glad to have you there. She asks if she gets an office and everyone fake-laughs. The VPoN and MoC are just happy because they really think she has deep connections with The Black People Whose Names They Know. NeNe interviews that she has to land a Big Name Negro. Hell, in that town, there are plenty of jumped-up folk who think they’re hot shit in a wine glass. Shouldn’t be too hard, NeNe.
The Frog: Kandi shows up to the Frog’s lilypad. The Frog has no idea how birthing works. Kandi asks the Frog’s mama if she has any other grandchildren, to which she says no. Then the Frog chimes in with, “I’m the only one that’s married” and the mama co-signs. Kandi says, “That don’t really mean you can’t have a baby just ‘cause you ain’t married.” “In my family, you can’t have one unless you married,” the Frog replies. Oh, by the way, Phaedra’s mother is a pastor. So you know what this means, right? LYING FOR JESUS. Kandi knows what’s up.
Anyway, the Frog continues with the lie that she didn’t know how many weeks she was. The doctor says she’s 40 weeks—in other words, she’s come to term, and in more words, she got pregnant before she got married. As Kandi notes, “I guess her mom is gonna ignore the facts and just get over it.” Preachers are good at that, Kandi.
Sheree: Fresh off her stunningly boring dancing routine, she takes a bunch of kids to some stupidly boring kids party. Her daughter is going to middle school and her son is going to high school. She wants to celebrate them being socially promoted. How nice. Anyway, Tierra is there. At least someone is there with some damn sense. NeNe shows up with her son Brentt. That means there are two people there who have some damn sense. Bob Whitfield, The Ex shows up. That dude is one ugly ass motherfucker, I’m just sayin’. Talk turns to playing spades. Sheree explains the game of spades and its importance to the African American community to two old ladies in Indiana named Marge and Annabelle who still think that “spades” is a reference to Black folk. Then talk turns to the Fake Doctor. NeNe gets all up in the business. She asks if he’s fine (he ain’t). She asks if he’s tall (not really). NeNe: “Sheree would never be happy with a man who didn’t make a substantial amount of money.” You got that right, sister!
Then everyone does some go-kart racing. NeNe screams her head off the entire damn time.
The Big Spades Event: Fake Doctor shows up. Early. Sheree is like, “Dude, you’re early, so you’re going to see me in rollers. Deal.” It’s a big deal because she doesn’t invite men into her home. She says she invited him over to meet the girls. Lawrence shows up and makes a bland joke at which Fake Doctor overlaughs. Everyone else shows up, including Lisa and Ed. I thought Lisa wasn’t on this shit anymore? Why have I seen her more this season than when she was actually on?
Fig. 1: Dammit, didn’t we get rid of you?
Anyway, Fake Doctor says that everyone needs to join hands in prayer, in order to “bless this game.” Kandi rolls her eyes, but soon, everyone has joined hands and Fake Doctor is running his mouth off and sounding like the biggest dumbass this side of Michelle Bachmann. Who the fuck PRAYS before a game of fucking SPADES? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you expect your imaginary sky friend to give a flying shit about a card game? And if you do, then let me ask: what the HELL is wrong with you? I mean, other than the obvious.
NeNe strolls in after the Dumbest Prayer in the History of the World and is introduced to Fake Doctor. “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” NeNe: “The moment I walked in and looked at him, I recognized him. Not in a good way.” She continues: “I know you. You used to wear dreads. I know you well.” She then turns to Sheree, throwing Fake Doctor shade so massive, so complete, and so fucking fabulous, that queens from here to Bangladesh will be taking notes and copying her every move.
Fig. 2: SHADE.
Lawrence, being the little shit that he is, is all up in NeNe’s face. “What’s the tea? What’s the tea?” For Marge and Annabelle in Indiana: “tea” is slang for gossip. NeNe says she did an event with him a long time ago and says something ain’t right about him. NeNe asks him about him being on Ricki Lake and doing relationships.
Kandi drops some more tea: the Frog was full term and her religious mama didn’t want no out of wedlock babies. Anyway, NeNe drops to Sheree that Fake Doctor is…well, a FAKE DOCTOR. “So everything he’s saying is a lie.” YES, HONEY. NeNe wants Sheree to play it cool. Sheree wants to blow up on him now. NeNe then drops his fakeness to everyone else. So later, Fake Doctor, PhD of Dumbassery, sits down. Lawrence asks him point blank what kind of doctor he is. “Psychology. Marriage and Family Therapy.” Lying fucker. Kandi calls him out and gives him the eye. They all grill the fuck out of him. He winds up claiming that he got a PhD ONLINE.
Sheree interviews that she’s been “bamboozled” and she feels “violated.” Why didn’t she Google this fool?
The Frog: She has to have a Caesarean section. I felt for her…until she remarked that the baby looked “Chinese.” Goddamn it, Phaedra. Must you fuck EVERYTHING up?