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Real Housewives of Atlanta: “She Can Dance?” November 15, 2010

Posted by Skippy in Popular Culture, Real Housewives.

Last Week: Kim had a garage sale selling tacky shit, and Gregg and NeNe decided to drag the Supermodel and her Sugar Daddy into the middle of their crazy drama. Sheree showed up for about five seconds—they saved her crazy for this week.

Sheree: She has a surprise for her daughter Tierra. She has “bought” an Aston Martin. She claims that she’s now living and life is all about her. She tells Tierra that she’s doing some charity dancing event and claims that she’s all about giving back. Tierra rightly assumes that this has something to do with Fake Doctor and is all, “Heifer, is you crazy?” I like Tierra.

Fig. 1: You know she’s renting this car, right?

Sheree later shows up at a dance studio to learn to dance. Her dance instructor is not wholly unattractive. NeNe: “Sheree and dancing? I don’t think I’ve ever seen her snap her fingers.” Sheree messes up left, right, and center. She thinks she has a chance of beating the competition. Sure, if the competition is blind and running around on one leg. It begins to dawn on Sheree that dancing is WORK. Poor Sheree.
Sheree shows up to the dress rehearsal and acts a bitch. She claims that she’s a mother and an actress and is so very, very, very busy. Poor Sheree!

Kim De Golddigger: She has turned a loft in to a hideously tacky “office.” NeNe says that Kim has a crazy spending habit. Absolutely. She also had some decorators re-do her youngest daughter’s room. It’s also hideously tacky. She claims she spent 60,000 dollars redoing her daughter’s room, which pisses off Brielle, the oldest daughter. Her room is ridiculously huge—allegedly it’s 2000 square feet. Everyone involved needs a heaping cup of shut the fuck up.

NeNe: Is visiting Cynthia the Supermodel. She knows that Sugar Daddy is going to propose to the Supermodel. I hope they’ve recovered from last week’s disastrous dinner. NeNe is happy for the couple, even though her own marriage is crashing and burning. Supermodel and Sugar Daddy return from dinner to a surprise party, featuring a woman with hideously wrong afro puffs. Only in Atlanta can a grown-ass woman walk around in a shit hairdo and try to pull it off as glam. Anyway, Sugar Daddy creaks down onto one replaced knee to propose. He doesn’t ask, “Will you marry me?” He asks, “Are you gonna marry me? You promise?” NeNe: “It was strange. Can we get some emotion going?” Supermodel really acted put out—she really does not like surprises, even if they’re good ones. NeNe: “Go on and make mad passionate love to that man!” Seriously, NeNe. What the hell is wrong with this woman? Further, what the hell is wrong with Sugar Daddy? Doesn’t he see that this is a bad move, or is he blinded by Supermodel’s “good china”?

Fig. 2: Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, The World’s Most Awkward Proposal.

Phaedra the Frog: She’s going to the hospital to induce labor of the tadpole. She’s talking to a friend of hers and, of course, name drops some fool who designed nursing bras. Shut up, Frog. How the fuck do you have a baby “in style”? Did this fucking amphibian read ANYTHING about babies? The conversation turns to circumcision and the Frog says “penis ointment??” like she hadn’t realized that having a baby is WORK. Her child is going to hate the hell out of her.

Kandi: Lawrence is about to show up. I guess he’s this season’s Dwight–tolerable in small doses, but since when have the producers of this show ever done anything in small doses? I know this isn’t politically correct, but he represents almost every negative stereotype of black gay men. He’s catty, bitchy, and why the hell does he feel the need to wear colored contacts? I swear, I have not yet met one guy who wore colored contacts who wasn’t, in some way, a hot fucking mess. Children, if you meet a grown-ass man and he’s wearing colored contacts, run, for I guarantee you he will have tons of issues and will be a drama monarch. So, in sashays Lawrence, seeking another fifteen minutes. Kandi tells him the process of doing this new song “Closet Freak” and Lawrence says he admires that Kandi has taken someone with no vocal ability and turned her into a one-hit wonder. Catty bitch. Of course, they start talking about her no-singing ass. Kandi, why are you talking about Kim’s no-singing ass with Lawrence’s no-class ass? Kandi says that he has the potential to be a real artist. Lawrence goes into the studio to sing the song and takes vocal direction from Kandi. They’re clearly highlighting why Kim so completely sucks. Kandi thinks this song will be a hit, because Lawrence actually lets her do her job. I’ll hand it to Lawrence, he actually listens to Kandi. That said, I don’t know how Kandi thinks this will be a hit—who’s the target audience here?

Supermodel: Goes wedding dress shopping. I hope she gets a good pair of running shoes to match.
Supermodel and her mama and her sister sit down and drink some champagne. Her mother is happy that she’s getting married. Supermodel says she’s overwhelmed. Uh-oh. Her mama basically has to reveal that she was going to get married because she was pregnant with the Supermodel. Supermodel talks about marriage like it’s a bear trap. A LOT of family shit gets dredged up. Her mother made some fucked up choices, to the point where Supermodel says she doesn’t really want to get married and will never have a man control her. Girl, get some therapy! Her sister has a look that says, “Bitch, you full of yourself.” Finally, they start trying on dresses. Her sister asks “Do you think she’s gonna marry him?” to which the mother exasperatedly says, “I don’t know.” I’m gonna go with “no.”

Dancing Idiots of Atlanta: Sheree pulls her car up and treats the valet like shit. Seriously–she asks him if she has to open her door or will he do it for her. Bitch. Lawrence shows up and asks if Fake Doctor is coming. Sheree says that he can’t make it, but will probably leave a donation. It apparently hasn’t dawned on Sheree that Fake Doctor is full of shit and doesn’t have a pot to piss in, nor a window to throw it out of. Derrek, Sheree’s dance instructor shows up, and Lawrence makes an ass of himself hitting on him. Derrek is supposedly straight. He looks utterly uncomfortable. Supermodel shows up wearing a Romulan wig. Sugar Daddy says the wig has him excited. That, and a Cialis. Supermodel says she’s not shouting “We’re engaged from the rooftops” because she’s completely not at all into getting married. At all. Could someone please clue Sugar Daddy in and let him know that he does not need to be so damned desperate? NeNe and Gregg show up. Everyone at the table looks uncomfortable. Supermodel and Kim both interview that NeNe and Gregg hate each other like poison. No shits, Sherlocks. The show gets started as Kroy Biermann, defensive back for the Falcons dances. He’s got an ass you can bounce a quarter off of. Praise him! Oh, yeah, Kandi shows up. She is continuing her Jedi mind tricks on Kim. Golddigger says she’s going to take vocal lessons. Kandi isn’t studying her dumb ass. She says she’s not getting anything out of working with her. Anyway, bidding starts, and Kandi notes that everyone at the table was being cheap. That’s because you’re the only one at that table who actually has some damn money, Kandi.

Sheree and Derrek prepare to do their routine. Sheree is afraid. She’s so excited! She’s so scared! Whatever. Just show that damn football player and his ass again. Anyway, they begin to dance. Kandi is bored. Kim isn’t impressed. NeNe laughs at the whole damn affair. Sheree looks stupid in her outfit. It makes her look like a crazy bag lady. Supermodel says that getting 9s for her routine was a bit…high. Kroy Biermann is accosted by Kim and Lawrence. They ogle his ass, which he obliges a bit too willingly. He gives her his “information.” He is clearly blinded by the fake boobs and fake hair. We know what his type is: cheap. Anyway, Sheree claims she gave 100% to this affair. Well, whatever helps you sleep at night.



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