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Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Trashed Collection” November 8, 2010

Posted by Skippy in Real Housewives.
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Last week: The Supermodel of the World held a brunch, and bitches cried. The Frog doesn’t know when the tadpole drops.

Kandi, The Sane One: She wants to produce an Openly Gay Male Artist. Yay! It’s Lawrence, Sheree’s hairstylist. BOO! Kandi says he could be the RuPaul of the next generation. She starts singing a song she wrote that sounds like a MeShell Ndegeocello reject—has she not heard her cover of “Who Is He And What Is He To You”? She really doesn’t know shit about The Gays, does she?

Then Golddigging Kim comes in and says “Who ‘dis?” She’s worried that Lawrence will upstage her. Well, he can carry a tune, so he’s already upstaged her. Kandi plays a song about the ring not meaning a thing and says it’s for Kim. She doesn’t like it. Kandi says she wants to challenge Kim. Honey, it’s a challenge for her to hum.

Later, Kandi sings the ring song. Kim tries to follow. It is as fucking horrible as you would expect. Kandi says that Kim is stalling. I wonder why. Is it because she can’t sing worth a goddamn lick? Kandi’s minions have various looks of horror on their faces. They’re listening to the aural equivalent of a cat getting hit by a car. Kandi finally tells Kim to get some goddamn vocal lessons. Kim calls herself an ‘artist’—she’s a bullshit artist, I’ll grant her. Kandi’s minions look shellshocked. They hug like they just survived Katrina.

NeNe and Her New Nose: 30 days of the 90 day ultimatum for her fool son, Bryce. She continues to lecture her dumbass son. This fool wants to meet a “club owner.” He, like every useless troglodyte in Atlanta, wants to be a club promoter. Surprise! Peter the Sugar Daddy happens to be a club promoter! Synergy!

Cynthia, Supermodel of the World: Her child’s father is a washed up actor named Leon. I can’t tell if he’s—oh, wait. He IS that Leon. He really is washed up. Leon calls Supermodel out for walking out on things. He should know—she was supposed to marry him. Supermodel says she and Leon were soulmates. People need to stop using that bullshit word.
Later, she attempts to cook for Peter the Sugar Daddy. He tries to kinda sorta maybe propose. He wants to be in love with one person. Supermodel says some blah blah bullshit. Y’all, this is the most awkward conversation between two immature idiots I’ve ever heard. And I’ve watched the Real World, people.

Phaedra the Frog: The Frog meets with one of the Destiny’s Children. Latavia—who ‘dat? Don’t know, don’t care. She ain’t Kelly Rowland or Beyonce, so I don’t care. The Frog starts talking like a damn agent. Latvia misses the days of wine and cheese and pours out her heart for the camera the Frog. She clearly read Florence Ballard’s bio and watched “Dreamgirls”, because she spins a tale of getting fired, and drinking and getting a DWI and then getting the single “One Night Only,” only to have Jamie Foxx steal it from her.

Guess what, Latavia? Nobody cares. Seriously. Go join a church choir or something.

Kim and NeNe, who are besties again, have lunch. NeNe whines about Greg. Kim smokes a cigarette. Bitch, that’s why your ass can’t sing! She starts talking about Big Poppa. NeNe correctly interviews that Kim can’t compare her mistressing with NeNe’s marriage. Kim then turns the conversation to her sorry assed ‘singing.’ NeNe doesn’t give a shit—she’s got marital problems, heffa! NeNe says she doesn’t like the beat. What she means is “Heffa, is your wig too tight? You can’t sing!”

Speaking of singing, am I the only one who is geeked about this week’s Glee?

Fig. 1: Glee, all is forgiven.

Goldigging Kim has storage units. She is an idiot and should be on Hoarders. And do they do interventions for idiots? NeNe interviews that Kim has a lot of stuff, “wigs, a dead body, an old Big Poppa layin’ up in there, who knows?” NeNe is really funny when she isn’t yelling at people.

Anyway, Kim has to have a yard sale to get rid of all her useless shit. She is not having the garage sale at her house, but in front of a burger joint. Why is her “assistant” there, other than for Kim to hit her with stuffed animals and ask her to pour wine in her thermos at nine in the morning? How in the hot hell does one useless mistress collect so much shit? NeNe and Supermodel show up to the bootleg sale. NeNe needs a bed for her old aunt; Kim has one for sale. It’s an ostentatious bed. They haggle. Kim claims she spent 20k for her bed. She is a bona fide idiot. The Frog shows up and immediately dismisses the whole affair as being absolutely déclassé. Shut up, Frog.

They all have lunch, where the Frog talks about the tadpole. Again, talk turns to the timeline of the tadpole. She claims that the tadpole is seven months—NeNe calls the Frog out: “I can’t believe any doctor in the state of Georgia would induce someone at seven months!” “Stop saying that out loud so people can hear how crazy you REALLY are!” NeNe is back in rare form, but I’ll soon regret saying that. After lunch, NeNe, Kim and the Supermodel are trying to figure out why the Frog is lying about her baby. It’s obvious to me. She’s an insecure, status-seeking, fake, snobby-without-portfolio, lying frog who wants everyone to think that she got pregnant within the confines of marriage. Heaven forfend that people think that she, the fabulous Phaedra, Southern Belle and Lawyuh to Tha’ Starz got knocked-up outside of marriage! Why, that’s just low-class!

Sheree: Hey, Sheree! We thought you were dead, girl. Kim stops by. Sheree talks about her dates with Fake Doctor. Take note: this will be Sheree’s only appearance in this episode. I guess there ain’t enough room for her crazy this week.

The Garage Sale Deathmarch marches on. Kandi shows up to ride Kim’s no-singing ass. “Have you been practicing, you tone-deaf cow?” Kandi asks. She doesn’t buy any of Kim’s bullshit. She basically doesn’t want to waste any more of her time with Kim and wants to take off the velvet glove. Kinda like when Darth Vader fought Luke Skywalker in “The Empire Strikes Back.” The fight started off tame, but soon, Vader opened a can of galactic whoop-ass, making it clear that at the beginning he was just playing around. Kandi ain’t playing around anymore. Kim says something about what her fans expect—wait, this bitch has fans?

Back at Chez NeNe, the personal chef NeNe can’t afford is cooking asparagus. NeNe is still riding her fool son’s ass. Sugar Daddy and Supermodel are coming over for dinner, so the shit is about to hit the fan. Sugar Daddy brings a bottle of Alize or a wine cooler. Either way, it looks like some shit you’d buy at the local liquor store across the street from First Deliverance Mount Pisgah Bapticostal Church of Holiness. Klassy. Sugar Daddy tells dumbass Bryce that he actually worked when he was in college. This is something that dumbass Bryce does not want to hear. He, like many a lazy dumbfuck thinks he can get money by not working. Gregg shows up and calls NeNe out for throwing shade at him. By the way, what the fuck does Gregg do for a living? They are acting out and dinner hasn’t even been served. Supermodel interviews that it’s awkward hanging out with a couple who’s two minutes from divorce. No shit, Supermodel. Sugar Daddy asks dumbass Bryce what he wants to do. There is just too much going on at this damn dinner and now I wish I was drunk. NeNe’s youngest son walks out the room, proving that he’s the only damned adult in the room. NeNe and Gregg, who are probably drunk off their asses at this point, are…well, I don’t even know what to say. We’re watching two maudlin idiots who should never have gotten married careen headlong towards divorce. Unfortunately, NeNe’s triangulated Supermodel into their trainwreck of a marriage and tells Supermodel that she’s going to divorce Gregg. She doesn’t realize or care that she’s scaring the shit out of Supermodel. Cynthia’s like, “I am NOT going to do this shit, oh hell NO.” And scene.

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