The Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Hot Mama’s Day” November 2, 2010Posted by Skippy in Popular Culture, Real Housewives.
Last week: We watched a frog dance. It was retarded.
Kim, Le Golddigger: Has an assistant whom she routinely degrades. She and her “assistant” visit Kandi, who has a webshow. We are clearly in the “filler” part of the episode. We learn that some women have “beef curtains.” It has something to do with the vagina. Kandi says she’s going to be celibate for a year. Whatever. Incidentally, the webshow is all about cheaters—guess what comes up? Kim and her relationship with a married man. This isn’t at all contrived by the producers.
Later, she takes her kid to some store in order to engage in conspicuous consumption. She wants to redecorate her child’s room and thinks that that qualifies her as a good mom.
NeNe and Her New Nose: Is talking to Cynthia, Supermodel of the World while she’s at the plastic surgeon to reveal her New Nose. It doesn’t look as bad as some of the photos showed. Maybe it’s the kind of nose that needs good lighting. We see her reduced breastises. I am traumatized. She mentions getting a penis enlargement. I am dead. The Supermodel wonders why NeNe got a nose job and NeNe says she doesn’t want to go back home because she’s been arguing with Greg. The Supermodel pulls out a bottle of Alize and they drink their troubles away. NeNe says Greg has “done her wrong.” She mentions no specifics whatsoever, so I’m just gonna make shit up. Clearly, Greg is a bisexual Cylon agent who was cheating on her with Dwight (who happens to be the Cylon overlord Lucifer) and NeNe found out.
Shit by Sheree: Her daughter and boyfriend come over to watch her brother while Sheree goes on yet another date with the Fake Doctor and his airstrip. Her daughter is, “Why are you fucking with this broke, fake fool?” She shows up at Fake Doctor’s fake apartment. He promised her a gourmet dinner, but treats her like a damned assistant. He also tries every pathetic, trite sexual cliché associated with cooking. It’s like he watched “Hitch” and thought he was Will Smith. Of course, the differences between Fake Doctor and Will Smith are manifold, but let’s just say that Will Smith doesn’t have a balding spot that is almost perfectly rectangular. Also, Will Smith knows he gets paid to act, while Fake Doctor acts like he’s getting paid. Speaking of delusions, Fake Doctor says he wants to get into bodybuilding competitions. Sheree asks him to take off his shirt; Fake Doctor is only too willing to comply. What we are “treated” to is a body that has clearly seen some gym time and too much time in the tattoo parlor. However, he is nowhere near “bodybuilder.” He’s closer to “JCPenny suit model.” Unsurprisingly, even his tattoos are stupid. He is so fucking stupid, I am losing IQ points just listening to him attempt to talk. C’mon Sheree, it doesn’t take X-ray vision to see through his bullshit!
Sheree says that Fake Doctor is trying too hard. Really? That’s like saying that the Tea Party is a little angry.
Phaedra the Frog: Her stylists make her look like…well, a frog. Apollo, walks around in a wifebeater. He knows who his audience is. Anyway, the Frog is doing a photoshoot about her pregnancy. She’s taking photos of herself eating a pickle. It’s a phallic display and is as disturbing as you’d expect. The Frog says that pregnancy photos are elegant and classy. I continue to hate her fake retarded froglike ass.
Kandi, The Only Sane One: She thinks her daughter might have potential to be a singer. Riley wisely says, “I’m only seven.” Riley’s dad has been trying to establish a relationship with his daughter—gee, I wonder why he wants a relationship with his daughter now? I’m just saying it’s awfully convenient.
Later, she visits her mother. I am distracted by Kandi’s mother’s weave. It’s like she jacked Vanessa Williams’ hair and slapped it on her head. Kandi’s mother pretty much hates any and every man in Kandi’s life. I’m beginning to wonder if Kandi’s mother doesn’t have a touch of misandry. And Kandi can’t have a conversation with her mother without crying. Kandi, get into therapy, please.
Cynthia, Supermodel of the World: She goes bra shopping with NeNe. She says she will be a bride and marry Sugar Daddy Peter. Her excitement about this potential happening is nonexistent. NeNe says she doesn’t like wearing bras—well, quelle surprise. Supermodel wants to have a Mother’s Day brunch…and invite the Frog and her hot piece of ass. NeNe basically says she’d rather get plastic surgery again than hang out with the Frog and her ex-con husband. I concur. NeNe tries on a bra and begins re-living her days as a dancer
with the Alvin Ailey Dance Company at Magic City.
Commercials: Jake Gyllenhaal is in a movie with Anne Hathaway. He probably won’t be a gay cowboy in this one, though, which means I won’t ever see this movie.
I cannot understand how so many awesome Black women are going to be in a shit de force of femalesploitation. Thanks, Tyler Perry. I hate you so fucking much.
The Supermodel Mother’s Day Brunch: It’s raining and the Supermodel says it’s a disaster. Rain is always such a tragedy. She tells Sugar Daddy Peter to not bring up that Greg is a bisexual Cylon agent with erectile dysfunction and latent homosexual tendencies. The Frog arrives and immediately disses Supermodel’s house—it’s not in the right zip code. Fuck off, Frog. Sugar Daddy humorously chastises Frog for some of her comments about having lots of kids. He’s nicer than I would have been. Kandi notices something different…a disturbance in the Force. The Frog says she wants to have her baby at six months, but her due dates keep shifting around. Everybody smells some bullshit.
The conversation turns to sex and dildos. Why can’t these people just say vagina?
Apollo shows up for his regularly scheduled ogling. He really has a hot ass. I’m just sayin’. He presents the Frog with a Gucci baby bag. You know that motherfucker didn’t buy that shit on his own, and you know the stank Frog explicitly gave him directions to show up to the damn brunch fashionably late so he could present her with that “gift” in front of everybody.
NeNe brings up cheating and asks Sugar Daddy a question. Unfortunately, in the midst of his pontification, Sugar Daddy brings up the C-Y-L-O-N and begins speaking out of the left side of his ass. Again, I smell producer interference here. Anyway, people don’t understand that the Cylon stopped transmitting data to his overlords and it’s distressing NeNe. Kandi’s mother Joyce speaks up and says “Men ain’t shit! Fuck’ em!” Children, you can just taste the bitter. She tells NeNe to lower her shields, everybody hugs and cries, and brunch is over, bitches!