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Real Housewives of Atlanta: “Boughetto” October 26, 2010

Posted by Skippy in Popular Culture, Real Housewives.
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Last week: We endured Kim Zolciak’s attempt at entertaining a bunch of drunk gay guys at some lame circuit party. Kandi was too nice; she’s not a background singer, but she took one for the team so that Boobs McTittles didn’t look too foolish. Oy, vey. Let’s see what these broke down heffas are up to this week shall we?

NeNe, Resident Troll: She’s going through so much with her stupid son, but she’s over it. Why doesn’t she kick his ass out? Anyway, she wants “her happy back”—I guess going to the plastic surgeon is one way to do that. Sheree commented that if she had plastic surgery every time she had marital troubles, she’d look like Dwight. Honey, that would be a step UP for you. Anyway, now we know where NeNe’s fucked up face came from.
Later, she goes to the plastic surgeon and is getting her body worked on. Her heretofore unseen “best friend” Diana is there for her. Whatever. She really needs to take her ass to a therapist, because the drugs have made her loopy; she whines about wanting to see Greg. He’s probably in witness protection.

After she wakes up from her surgery, she is still really, really, REALLY sad. Damn, she makes me want to drag her to a therapist who can help her deal with her self esteem issues. She has her friend call Boobs and Shit by Sheree…and then has her call Greg. Diana is like, “Aw, girl. It’ll be okay.” What else can you say when you’re talking to someone whose marriage has crashed and burned and has an adult child who’s well on his way to an extended stay in the American penal system and, in response to all that, goes and gets plastic surgery?

Boobs McTittles, World Famous Singer (With One “Hit”): Her parents come by. Her mother looks like a drag queen I once saw in Nashville. That drunk apple didn’t fall far from the drunk tree, as the whole family proceeds to get drunk off their asses. She claims that “Big Poppa” is “back in her life.” I guess being a faux lesbian doesn’t pay as much as being some “real estate mogul’s” piece on the side. Whatever. The talk turns to church and some bullshit dealing with her kid; they’re Catholic, apparently. Kim’s father continues to be deluded about his daughter’s relative usefulness to human society.

Shit by Sheree: We see her working out and claiming that young guys always approach her. Give me a break. Anyway, she’s talking about her date with a fake doctor who has a sunroof in his S-curl. As NeNe says, Sheree is full of shit. She claims she’s looking for love, but bitch, please. She’s looking for M-O-N-E-Y. And she thinks Fake Doctor has it, so she goes to one of his “seminars.” He is talking. He is an idiot. He is typical of the kinds of fake, dimestore motherfuckers that populate Atlanta. Really, the only difference between this Tiy-E Muhammad (what, is he a Kryptonian Muslim?) and Eddie Long is that Eddie Long diddled young men. Also, Fake Doctor used to work at Clark Atlanta University as—get this—an associate professor! He got found out and was subsequently fired—but how in the hot hell does someone get that far in academia before being exposed? Didn’t CAU do a background check? Anyway, Fake Doctor decides to embarrass Sheree by putting her on an ad hoc panel. He tries to give her sexy eyes, but all I can see is that sunroof/landing strip in the middle of his fucking head. He whines about “being the man” and says “chivalry is my middle name.” Run, Sheree! RUN!! And all you women in the audience? If you listen to this bald ass motherfucker, you deserve to be single. Seriously.

Cynthia, Supermodel of the World: Peter, her geriatric sugar daddy is complaining about being in a limo. Feel badly for him. No, really: feel badly for him, for he and the Model are on their way to meet up with…Phaedra the Frog, who is hanging out with Dwight.

Apparently, Dwight’s now besties with the Frog. Oh, well. Anything to remain on this trainwreck, right? The Frog and the Supermodel interview that they basically hate each other. The Frog claims that she’s “an equestrian”—I think she’s closer to amphibian than equestrian, but her life, her words. She and Dwight really try to sell the foolish fiction that she is High Class; mind you, she’s dressed like Jacob’s Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and has so much makeup, I’m certain that she alone keeps MAC in business. Anyway, she brags about her hot piece of ass Apollo and, like all people who are completely full of shit, glides right over his criminal history. She is also oblivious to the fact that the Model and her Sugar Daddy are looking at her like she’s ten pounds of shit in a five pound sack. Wow, she is one dumb deluded frog.

Peter the Sugar Daddy doesn’t want to be at the races with the Model and the Frog. I don’t blame him. She lies through her Kermit lips about horseracing as though she rode professionally, and it is at this point that I realize that I hate her. She is clearly absolutely insecure about everything, since she actually tells Cynthia every school she ever attended. She sounded like a goddamn curriculum vita.

Children, I’ve met people like her. Every conversation with a person like Phaedra is absolutely tedious, because they exaggerate nearly everything in their lives. They are pretentious, arrogant without portfolio, generally rude to service persons, and lack most of the social graces they so snobbishly claim to possess. They are a chore to be around because their insecurity is out there every time they speak. They fairly beg for everyone around them to validate them—which is why they’re constantly name-dropping and lording their marginally “high class” status over everyone around them. They’re thin-skinned and poison-tongued. If you ever meet someone like this, RUN. Run far, run fast.

Kandi, The Only Sane One meets with Boobs McTittles. Kandi confides that she’s nervous about her album, as though Boobs could offer any kind of critical/thoughtful feedback. She played some snippet, which, of course, Boobs loved. Boobs talks about being on Jimmy Kimmel—she says she needs more music out. Kandi looks on condescendingly. Kandi has no idea about gay culture, because she says that Boobs’ “performance” at the whatever party was “huge.” Boobs wants to do country music. Kandi asks her to sing. Guess what happens without the presence of autotune? Kandi kinda calls Boobs a whore; it goes over Boobs’ head. Kandi interviews that she’s not doing any more free work for Boobs. Good for her!

The Frog’s Tadpole Shower:: She must have a baby shower that is different from other people’s showers. So she must have a dance. Why the fuck should she have a dance? Dwight is getting his makeup done. The Frog says that Dwight has taste. Clearly, in her world, “taste” means “tacky.” Kandi and the Supermodel of the World go to the tadpole shower together. The Supermodel says she’s never been to a “Southern” baby shower. Guess what? Neither have most of the people in the South, if this shower is what the Frog calls “Southern.”

Lisa Wu Brokewell makes an appearance! And nobody really cares.

The Frog continues to complain about people. They’re too early or they’re too late. Shut up, Frog.
The shower continues. Kandi calls out the “boughetto”(bourgie and ghetto) nature of this pretentious nonsense. I love Kandi. The Frog gets mad that Boobs (who shows up late) didn’t wear a pretentious hat. For once, I love Boobs Anyway, Frog looks even more foolish, with roses in her weave. The boughetto shower gets worse, as the Frog decides to have ballerinas. “People don’t celebrate the arts enough,” the Frog opines, based on her extensive experience as an entertainment lawyer. Representing people like Bobby Brown.

Phaedra, just because you look like Yoda, it doesn’t mean you can go about tossing out pearls of wisdom.

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