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Blood on the Runway! August 27, 2010

Posted by Skippy in Observations, Popular Culture.
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Fig. 1: Meet Team Suxe

Children, I don’t normally blog about Project Runway. I leave that to the professionals, like Tom and Lorenzo’s fabulous Project Rungay. But last night’s episode was so chock full of crazy (or, as Valerie put it, “cray-cray”), bitchery, and a mega-super-hyper-FAAAAABULOUS-Tim Gunn smackdown, that I have to blog about it.

If you haven’t seen last night’s episode, don’t read the rest of this entry. Seriously.

Ok, so it starts off with a crazy two-team challenge. Something about each team creating a “collection” based on blah, blah, blah, when do we get to the drama?

Fig. 2: It’s like the Soul Train word challenge…only with FASHION!

So, each team is supposed to create a collection inspired by mixing the “concepts” with the “textiles” or some such shit. I’d just give up then and there and go the fuck home, but what do I know about fashion?

Well, apparently, I know a bit more about fashion than the team pictured above. They called themselves “Team Luxe” and were trying for luxury with tacky fabrics. Michael Kors called one of the outfits a “Golden Girls vest.” Nina Garcia, Fashion Director, Marie Claire Magazine gave the whole damn collection the stinkiest of stinkeyes, but reveled in tearing the whole thing to pieces. But the standout fool of the evening was Gretchen, who pole vaulted her way into Project Runway history by not knowing when to shut the fuck up.

This season is fairly young, but she and Ivy have become so hateful, so annoying, so fucking shrill and obsequious, that over on Gawker, a hashtag was created just for Gretchen: #shutupgretchen. Last week’s liveblog featured commenters (such as myself) saying “shut up Gretchen” (or some profane version thereof) no fewer than 18 times. I expect that number to increase exponentially as she persists through this competition.

Frankly, I hated her from day one when she introduced herself as being some sort of organic hippie designer who’s all mother Earth or some such bullshit. As y’all know, there’s nothing I hate more than a hippie. Anyway, by the second freakin’ episode, she had declared herself the Monarch of All Fashion and, in interviews, would say shit about the other contestants and belittle their skills. Also? She won’t. shut. up. She is forever going on and on and offering unsolicited advice and acting like she’s the goddamn Monarch of All Fashion in the workroom.

Fig. 3: Children, meet the face of evil.

After Michael C. won last week’s challenge, she and Ivy (her little sycophant) just could not believe that someone so fashionably challenged could possibly have won that challenge! How dare he deny Gretchen and Ivy the honor due them! The reception he got from the room of assembled bitches after his win was positively chilly.

But for some stupid, stupid, stupid reason, when Michael got to choose who he wanted on his team…he chose Gretchen. I can’t fathom that choice. Anyway, being the Monarch of All Fashion that Gretchen is, she immediately took over the decision making process and began treating Michael C. like a developmentally delayed serial bedwetter. Ivy, being the sycophant she is, tried to one-up Queen Gretchen. She treated him like herpes. Developmentally delayed herpes.

So, Team Suxe made a collection of ass and had to face the judges on the runway.

Fig. 4: The two to the right of Michael? EVIL.

Gretchen starts up with an unparalleled torrent of bullshit about the collection and how wonderful it is and how everyone was wonderful…until she got pressed, and then she started slamming Michael C. Then she started backtracking and saying that the collection wasn’t wonderful and how weak Michael C’s skills are.

Remember, Michael C. has immunity.

Nevertheless, pretty much everyone on Team Suxe started in on Michael as though he was the Prince of Stupid and had had something to do with the sinking of the Lusitania. Fortunately, the judges saw right through this load of crap and called them out on it.

Fig. 5: In the end, the gaunt and haggard skeleton on the right got sent home.

With A.J. gone, you’d think the episode would be over, right?

WRONG.

Oh, my gods, children. Here’s where it got AWESOME. As you know, when a “designer” gets sent home, Tim Gunn, ACTUAL Monarch of All Fashion has to come in and tell them to clean out their workspace. Usually, he says a few kind words to the auf’d person and then the auf’d person says a little about their experience on the show and then the credits roll. But this time, children, Tim Gunn came in that room and had his phasers set to “choke a bitch.” Children, I could quote it, but that would not do it justice. Not at all. Get thee over to Lifetime’s website and skip to 1:01:32. He didn’t speak a long time; basically, he uttered all of one or two sentences, but those one or two sentences were devastating. He all but called Gretchen a “bitch”—in Tim Gunn fashion, he didn’t have to; hell, he didn’t even say anything to her, but what he did say slayed her. Slayed. Her. And in those two sentences, he also slayed the team for being pushovers and jelly-kneed invertebrates.


Fig. 6: “I have a few words for Team Luxe…” Children, you do NOT piss off Tim Gunn.

Children, this was the best episode of PR in years.

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Comments»

1. Carolyn - August 27, 2010

I was AGHAST the entire time Gretchen spoke–I could not beLIEVE the amount of bullshit she shoveled, not to MENTION the sheer two-faced duplicity of it all. And as foul as she is, Ivy is even worse. She’d rather spend her time becoming allies with Gretchy Gretch (a poor choice if ever there were one) and trash talking others (like poor Michael C., who DID deserve to win last week) than improving her craft. EVERYTHING she has made has been mediocre at best, and a train wreck at worst. Just because your BFF Gretch has one a couple challenges does not make YOU talented by proxy, honey.

I squealed and clapped when Papa Tim laid the smack down. What an efficient, apt, barbed use of words. And SO FREAKING DESERVED.

2. Carolyn - August 27, 2010

Err, and of course by “one a couple challenges,” I meant, “WON a couple challenges.”

*sheepish*

3. Skippy - August 27, 2010

Indeed. I don’t think I’ve *ever* seen Tim Gunn *that* mad before. Gretch and Ivy are vile little reality show creatures.

4. Rima - August 27, 2010

I just finished watching the episode. I had the same reaction Carolyn did — I cheered and clapped when Tim opened up his can of whoop-ass. Best part, by far, was that he didn’t even LOOK at her as he DESTROYED her in front of the group.

Tim Gunn is my hero.

Skippy - August 28, 2010

I want to be Tim Gunn when I grow up.


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