Jesus, Your Facebook Bumper Sticker

Children, can we talk about Facebook and Jesus for just a moment? It’s gotten to the point where I feel a deep need to reach out and touch someone…and by “touch someone,” I mean, “slap people silly.”

Ok, so I log into Facebook as part of my morning timewasting ritual and I see this: “Blah Blah likes ‘JESUS IS LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if you know this is true press like.'”

Because Facebook likes to tell me what every person I know “likes,” I get to see random shit like that. If that were it, I’d probably grumble about it and move the frak on. However, it gets deeper. People feel the need to use their status updates to let the whole freakin’ world know that they LOVE Jesus and they LOVE God and they’re absolutely over the freakin’ moon that the Lawd Jayzus Chriiiiist is their Lawd and Savior and has brought them a mighty long way and didn’t let them burn the beans in the kitchen…

Oh, dear me, shut up.

Basically, this is the internet equivalent of a bumper sticker, and is just plain stupid. I could have one that says “CTHULHU WAITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if you know this is true press like” or “RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if you know you will be assimilated press like.” Such declaratives are about as meaningful—after all, who’s gonna dispute Cthulhu or the Borg? Only an infidel would, that’s who.

Fig. 1: LOCUTUS IS OF BORG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! if you know this to be true, press “like.”

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