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Things I’ve Learned From Lifetime, Television For Women August 13, 2010

Posted by Skippy in Observations, Popular Culture.
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Children, I am Project Runway’s bitch. From the second season onward, I’ve never missed an episode—even during that horrible season in Los Angeles. When the show moved from Bravo to Lifetime, I was a tad worried. Lifetime…well, Lifetime used to be where I went to watch Golden Girls reruns. I know that they’re a “network for women,” but most of the movies that they show are about women in danger, women in trouble, women in trouble and danger from other women, and women who put other people in trouble and danger.

Fig. 1: Does this mean that Tim now has to start stalking Heidi?

For the most part, the move from Bravo to Lifetime has been pretty smooth. Except…now, when I watch PR, I am treated to the weird demographic that Lifetime thinks they’re catering to. If I were to use Lifetime’s commercial lineup as a guide to understanding women…well, let’s put it this way: I’d have no friends.

In the interest of mocking Lifetime, Television For Women (and, possibly, the few gay men who can still stomach “Will & Grace”), I present to you the Things I’ve Learned From Watching Lifetime TV Commercials:

1. Women, you really care about your lashes. REALLY. CARE.
Apparently, women’s eyelashes require The Best Mascara Ever Produced. According to the commercials I saw, mascara can do things—the computer animation told me so! Also, the lengthening of women’s eyelashes appears to be directly proportional to their attractiveness; so, clearly, if you have short eyelashes, you’re ugly.

2. The only thing you care about more than your lashes is your HAIR.
Women, you really care about your hair. I mean, REALLY care. Your shampoo, conditioner, pre-conditioner, and air conditioner all have to have some sort of prebiotic cybernetic granules of emulsification that protect your hair from the forces of evil. Or something like that. All I know is, after you use the prebioticized shampoo, your hair is BEAUTIFUL. And so are you. So why the hell are you still single?

3. Victoria’s Secret is the only women’s undergarment manufacturer.
You’re still single because you don’t wear Victoria’s Secret. Which means you run around not wearing any undergarments, for as far as I can tell, Victoria’s Secret is the only women’s undergarment manufacturer. Apparently, Victoria’s Secret really isn’t all that secret, as the undergarments possess some form of cloaking/shapeshifting technology that transforms the wearer into this:

Fig. 2: I’m gay, so this has absolutely zero effect on me.

4. Your lotions and hair products could basically be considered condiments.
In addition to having probioticized emulsifiers in your shampoo, there are also ten fruits and vegetable products in them as well. Also, your lotions are basically hollandaise sauces sold in the “beauty” aisle. They all have fruits that are green and drippy and shiny injected directly into them. That’s what complements wearing the Victoria’s Secret.

5. Women aren’t supposed to eat real food.
No, ladies, eating actual fruit is just wrong. It’s messy…and real. It won’t make you get skinny and loverly like Special K bars, cereal and slushie drink and that fruit mashup drink that has 28 different fruits from around the globe in one 64 oz. bottle will. You spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week eating Special K and the fruit mashup drink…and if you don’t, well, ladies, there’s something very wrong with you. Why aren’t you obsessing about fitting into your daughter’s jeans? Why aren’t you busy hating your body so you can then buy this, ahem, special food product?

Fig. 3: Special K: Helping You Hate Your Body!

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Comments»

1. Darin - August 15, 2010

Don’t forget that cleaning product advertising tells us that men are hairy, bumbling asshats who cannot use A) paper towels b) mops or even c) spray bottles.

They are large children and we ladies must clean up after them.

Skippy - August 16, 2010

…you mean men aren’t bumbling asshats? Why have you lied to me, lady-oriented commercials?


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