I Hate “Foodies” July 25, 2010Posted by Skippy in Culture, Humor, Rants.
Tags: general annoyances
Of all the blights foisted upon humanity in the last twenty years, “foodies” have to be among the worst. Let me give you some context: I am sitting on my couch, watching “The Next Food Network Star”(probably my first mistake), and the “Star Challenge” was to cook blah blah blah for foodies.
Ugh. They explicitly mentioned a room full of foodies. Who have cobbled together what they call a “Supper Club.” Double ugh. No, it’s not enough for them to be snobbish jagoffs about food, but they have to have a secret supper club.
Question, douchebags: how the hell can a supper club be secret if you’re featured on a fucking competitive reality show? Oh, that’s right—you’re not really trying to be “secret;” you’re trying to let everyone know that you’re super SPESHUL because you know the difference between arugula and some other green crap you’d put on a salad.
And surprise, surprise! The table of foodie douchebags were virtually indistinguishable from those hipster douchebags you might encounter at a Whole Foods.
Fig. 1: The mothership for foodie douchebags.
I swear, two of the idiots at the table had on pretentious hats and scarves and reeked of hipster douchery. I can only imagine going to dinner with people like this:
Waiter: Our special tonight is an Atlantic Salmon with a—
Foodie Douchebag: Is that Atlantic Salmon from the North Atlantic? And could I please see the cut before you cook it?
Foodie Douchebag: Further, do you have an [insert pretentious wine no restaurant could possibly have] with that? Please make certain you have [pretentious wine no restaurant could possibly have].
Waiter (thinking): I am so going to shit in your food.
Y’know what? I like food. Nay, I love food. It’s one reason I watch crap like “The Next Food Network Star”—it indulges my like of food and my love of stupid competition reality shows. I love pizza, ice cream, chicken, fruit, waffles (mmm, Belgian waffles!), salad, scrambled eggs, boiled eggs in tuna salad, tuna salad, chicken salad, wine, steak, baked sweet potatoes…I mean, food is great. But come ON. Foodies turn food into a drudgery. They turn it into some sort of badge by which they can say to the world, “I’m better than you, because I know arugula doesn’t go with blah, blah, blah.” They pornify food to the point that it makes you not want to eat anything they like. Plus it makes me want to stab them with a spork.
Fig. 2: The next time you see a ‘foodie’, spork ’em!*
As comedian Jessi Klein put it,
Let me be clear: I really love eating and I love food. I think anyone who knows how to cook anything is a genius, and I always appreciate the time and love that goes into a home-made meal. And I love going to restaurants. I love menus and forks and appetizers and the anticipation of desserts. But I hate that foodies feel like every meal has to have the same wow-factor as their birthday blowjob. I once tried to make dining plans with a foodie friend and it took over ninety minutes to agree on a place that met all of her qualifications for ambiance, cuisine, and service. You would have thought we were negotiating Israeli borders.
I’m sick of the foodies who need every morsel that goes into their mouth to be a Picasso painting, a Giacometti sculpture, a Proust novel, evoking the world with each crumb. Foodies who need everything to be caramelized, sauteed in a blabla reduction, nested in a bed of shredded whatevers, served with a mushroom top hat and a julienne of leeks that have been knitted into a sequined scarf. It’s not that wonderful food doesn’t make me drool—I’m a bit of a St Bernard when I start thinking about cheese—it’s just the foodie chatter I can’t stand, the circle jerking in print and on an ever growing number of websites over this new place and that revamped old place, the obsessive fawning over such and such amuse-bouche, the kerfuffle over truffles.
Amen, sister. AMEN.
*Do not actually assault someone with a spork. If you are stupid enough to assault someone—even an obnoxious foodie—with a spork because you read this blog entry, you really should question your membership in the human race.