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V is for Very Dumb. May 20, 2010

Posted by Skippy in Popular Culture, Rants.
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Fig. 1: Let’s toast to how stupid we are!

Children, why does this version of “V” suck so very much? Tuesday, the season finale aired, and holy fuckballs, did it suck. It’s like the writers watched season one of Ron Moore’s Battlestar Galactica and said, “Yeah, let’s do that…but let’s do it badly!”

We’ve spent a season watching the dumbest people to ever suck air flail around doing really dumb things. And let’s face it: EVERYBODY on this show is just. plain. DUMB.

Let’s do this in ascending orders of dumbness, starting with the Visitors.
Anna: She’s seemed pretty smart up till now. However, in the season finale, she and her daughter have dinner with Erica and her dumb ass son Tyler. How is it that Anna doesn’t get that Erica is totally Fifth Column (I’ll get to THAT fuckery in a minute)? And did we drop the plot point that Anna knows that her daughter is not Emototest 9000-certified? And how do you NOT have massive security guarding your Olympic pool of lizard baby armies?

Lisa: Girl, pick a side. DAMN. I guess being called “Queen” goes a very long way with her, so, Fifth Column it is! Plus, her mother had her legs broken. That’s gotta hurt a mother-daughter relationship.

Joshua: Dude. Seriously? Doesn’t the Mothership have rooms with doors? Why does this dumbass keep using his little teleball in the most conspicuous of places? He’s hot and all, but I guess the Vs are like many of us humans: hot does not equal smart. Oh, and in a moment of Extreme Dumbfuckery, he tells the audience that his password to whatever whatever is “John May Lives”? Did the V equivalent of Windows not tell him that that password was not strong enough?

The Problem with the Vs: We STILL don’t know what it is they want. This finale had the opportunity to tell us something—anything—about their intentions, but didn’t. And then we see hordes of V ships coming into orbit around Earth—with all those Vs and all that technology, why would Anna lose her shit about her babies getting killed?

And worse, at the end of the show, Anna—enraged at the death of her lizard baby army—sets into motion…a giant cloudy red sunset? The viewer has absolutely NO idea what this giant cloudy red sunset is even supposed to do. What’s the point of this? Is it going to eradicate all life on Earth? Then why didn’t the Vs just do this and skip all this ridiculous nonsense about “We are of peace. Always”? How does the giant cloudy red sunset fit into any of this, other than to serve as a cheap, “shocking” way to end the season?

Let me say a bit more about Anna and the Vs before I go to how utterly STUPID the humans are. Supposedly, Anna has finally “felt” emotions and, thus, set into motion a mysterious plan that has no stated end or goal. Anna has said time and time again that she doesn’t feel emotions, and the Emototest 9000 is supposed to ferret out those Vs who feel emotion. If this is so, then what the frak is all this nonsense about everyone feeling Anna’s “bliss”? The whole rationale behind her mass brainwashing is to have the Vs FEEL CONTENT AND BASK IN THE GLOW OF ANNA’S PRADALICIOUSNESS. Bliss is a fucking emotion, you idiot monkey writers!

*sigh* And the humans are even worse. Holy fuckballs are they worse. Again, let’s go from least stupid to the most.
Erica: Well, there really isn’t much to say about her. She has occasionally done dumb stuff like taking La Resistance calls in the FBI office, but she didn’t really do much that was bugfucking stupid this week. The heavy lifting of stupid was shouldered by the rest of La Resistance.

Tyler: Ironically, he also did nothing bugfucking stupid this week. I guess I should say congratulations, Ty. You were able to put one foot in front of the other without making me want to shoot you.

Hot Terrorist: I don’t remember his name. I just call him the Hot Aussie Terrorist. Or is he supposed to be British? Who really cares? Just stand there, wear those tight black T-shirts and maintain your ruggedly handsome facial hair. His trying to play double agent just isn’t interesting to me.

Chad Decker: God, I hate this smarmy dumbass. Who is he working for? Maybe we should get Jack Bauer to ask him.

Fig. 2: WHO ARE YOU WORKING FOR?!!

Anyway, like Lisa the Lizard, I want Chad to frickin’ pick a side. And if he’s trying to play the end against the middle, give us some motivation—WHY would he do this? What’s his angle? All we know about Chad so far is this:
* He’s short.
* He’s boring.
* He’s greedy.
* He’s dumb, just like everybody else.

But Chad isn’t the worst of this lot. Not by a light-year. No, that award belongs to:

Father Jack, the Dumbest Priest on the Planet Earth: You see, the guy who was cast as Father Jack was woefully miscast. He spends the episode looking like Dan Quayle at a mathematics conference. When he “springs into action,” it’s more like, “steps in shit.” His Big Scene in the finale? Absolute moronicity. You see, the head priest, Father Plot Contrivance apparently vets Father Jack’s sermons. Could you imagine sitting through one of Father Jack’s sermons? They’d be full of self-deprecation, loathing and mealy-mouthed platitudes sprinkled with aphorisms that Jack thinks are “cool” and “in touch” with the people.

Anyway, Father Plot Contrivance tells Jack that he can’t preach a sermon wherein he denounces the Vs as false prophets. Apparently, Father Plot Contrivance and the rest of the Vaguely Catholic church have decided to begin worshipping the Vs? We don’t know, because we don’t know ANYTHING about the Vaguely Catholic church other than seeing Father Plot Contrivance hobble around acting mysterious and squirrelly. I swear, for half the season, I’ve expected Plot Contrivance to reveal that he’s actually a V or that he’s Fifth Column. Anyway, he gets really pissy with Father Jack and tells him that if he preaches this sermon, it’ll be the last sermon he preaches at St. Elizabeth’s Vaguely Catholic Church.

Well, Jack is a rebel! His own man! A maverick!

Fig. 3: Hey! I’m a maverick too!

So Jack preaches his sermon. With all this build-up, you’d expect this to be The Sermon. A Sermon to call down thunder and hail and lightning and the whole Host of Heaven. A Sermon that would stir the soul and fire the imagination. You’d be wrong.

It was the dumbest rallying cry given in the whiniest acting voice I’ve ever heard. Anyone doing a sci-fi show should know that if you’re advancing a plot to a point where the Good Guys are going to fight against the Bad Guys, you HAVE to give the audience a Rallying Cry that will be on the lips of geeks for all eternity:

I could go on. Jack’s sermon was not a Rallying Cry. It was a whine. He went on about the Vs being false prophets and that we must stand against them—which is fine, but you don’t have any proof of and we the audience haven’t seen any evidence of the Vs supposedly Awful Intentions!

One more thing, and I’ll shut up. With Father Jack and people seemingly all in lurve with the Vs, this show could have explored the angle of the Visitors as false prophets. The writers really could have worked with the historical problem of placing the wrong faith in the wrong “savior.” However, that would have required the writers stop being fucking lazy idiots and actually SHOW instead of telling us that the Vs are evil. We need to see what they’re up to. We need to know what Awful Intentions the Visitors have—not watching a band of idiots running around making stupid assertions left, right and center.

Well, that’s all for this season. I’ll be back with more V-licious rants when this show comes back…during the midseason next year. Gee, I wonder if this show’ll see a third season?

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