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A Very Special Facepalm Friday May 14, 2010

Posted by Skippy in Law and Order, Popular Culture, Rants.
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As you may know, Law and Order has been cancelled.

Let’s go to Coruscant for some eyewitness reaction:

As much as I rag on SVU, I can’t help but love the mothership. It’s a show that singlehandedly employs pretty much every actor in the tri-state area. Hell, often, you’ll see the same actor in different roles. Children, there’s a website that details all the “repeat offenders” that have graced the Law and Order canvas over the past twenty years. You could watch a L&O marathon on TNT and make a drinking game out of all the predictable things that happen in a given episode:

The Defense serves Jack or Cute Assistant DA with a Motion to Suppress – Expect this to happen anytime the prosecution’s case relies heavily on a confession or questionable search. You can expect 1 of these every 2-3 episodes.
The Defense serves Jack or Cute Assistant DA with a Motion to Dismiss – Another very common one. Honestly, I’m a little shocked if I don’t see this one at least once per episode. These usually follow the granting of a Motion to Suppress (which generally cripples their case until Jack mastermind’s a so-crazy-it-just-might-work counter-attack).
The Phrase “End-Run” is Used by Either Side – Particularly common among the defense, this one usually flies out whenever Jack tries to apply some virtually inapplicable statute to the case at hand. For example, “Mr. McCoy is clearly attempting an end-run around the 4th Amendment!”.
“The Search/Confession is Out!” – Yelled by a judge, usually following the granting of a Motion to Suppress. Note that these never really matter and Jack almost always outsmarts the seemingly clever defense attorney.
Somebody Moves for an “Immediate Mistrial“ – This is something you’ll see when an unwitting witness manages to blurt something out in open court that wasn’t supposed to be said and has somehow tainted the jury. You’ll almost always hear this as the judge and attorneys are briskly marching into the judge’s chambers and the judge is angrily removing his/her black robe. (Bonus drink of the judge says the words “I’m inclined to agree…” during the above exchange)
Jack is ordered by the sitting DA to “Cut a Deal!“ – Whenever the prosecution’s case is somewhat shaky, the District Attorney will often tell Jack to attempt a plea bargain. This directive often follows a heated disagreement between the two – this was a terribly common occurrence during Adam Schiff’s term as DA. Jack reluctantly complies, but usually the offer is ridiculous and the defendant refuses. Then Jack gives him an ass-whooping of epic proportions in court.
Either Attorney Says “Withdrawn!“ – Usually preceded immediately by a very inflammatory remark. For example, Jack might say to a witness “You do realize you’re terribly ugly and your mother is a dudeWITHDRAWN.” Also, expect a subdued sense of shock throughout the courtroom as the offending attorney strolls confidently back to his seat.

Law and Order (again, the mothership, not the inferior spinoffs) is one of my favorite shows. It’s the televisual equivalent of comfort food. If you’ve had a bad day at the office, if your spouse or partner is being a ginormous douche, if your kids have come home and told you that they burned down the school, all you have to do to restore your sense of balance and justice in the world is kick back and watch L&O. Its formula is pretty simple: dead body, cops investigate, a few twists and turns, and by the :30 minute mark, perps are caught! The rest of the episode is Jack and Very Cute ADA (except for Elizabeth Rohm, or, as I called her, the Rohmbot) stickin’ it to the creeps who committed the crime. Of course, in the past couple of years, Jack has been the crusty DA who barks orders at NuJack (actually, his name is Michael Cutter) and the Unbelievably Hot ADA (Connie Rubirosa—-actually, she deserves NuJack’s job).

Over the years, Law and Order has given us some really great characters:

Lt. Anita Van Buren. She’s tough, but fair. Sharp-tongued, but fairminded. She’s the boss of the 27 and she kicks ass.

Det. Lennie Briscoe. The quintessential hardboiled New York cop. Always had a dry wisecrack to open the show.

ADA Jack McCoy. The Eyebrows of Justice. Can usually get a conviction with nothing more than a fingerprint and a helluva summation.

Yeah, this show also gave us a fair share of duds (usually as replacements for other unforgettable characters):

Det. Joe Fontana. Dude, you were no Lennie Briscoe.

DA Arthur Branch. I had to look up his character name, because I called him Senator Foghorn Leghorn.

ADA Serena Southerlyn. Is this because she’s a lesbian?

NBC, you suck. Seriously. Cancelling Law and Order is just plain stupid. Have you seen your lineups? No one’s talking about The Biggest Loser and The Marriage Ref…I’d have to be drunk and high on heroin to watch this crap. The best thing you’ve got going is your Thursday night lineup, so hold on to 30 Rock, Community, The Office and Parks and Recreation like grim death.

For this, NBC, you totally deserve

CHUNG! CHUNG!

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Comments»

1. Maughta - May 14, 2010

Is this because I’m a lesbian???

Roger Sneed - May 14, 2010

Totally!


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