This Week in Netflix: “Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen” May 2, 2010Posted by Skippy in Popular Culture.
Tags: hot ass mess, movies, trainwrecks, Transformers
Utter and complete garbage.
Y’all, the joy of Netflix is the ability to rent movies and never have to deal with the teeming masses, yearning to be annoying. However, one of the curses of Netflix is the ability to unabashedly put movies that you know are crap into your queue. From the privacy of your own home, you can watch the entire Tom Cruise oeuvre and never have to ask yourself why you just forked over ten dollars to watch Tiny Crazy Tom Cruise go tiny or crazy for two hours.
However, sometimes, you get a movie that’s so completely unwatchable, that you can’t even muster up the energy to finish it. You have to give up, for the badness of the movie has won. You are beaten. It is useless to resist.
If you only knew the power of a bad movie…
So, yeah. Next up in my Netflix queue was “Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen.” When I opened that little red envelope of joy, I had forgotten that I put that movie on the list. When the DVD sleeve slid out and I saw the title, I thought, “Well. That wasn’t particularly bright of me, now was it?” You see, I had seen the first Transformers movie and was thoroughly unimpressed. I had read the reviews of this sequel–so I should have known better. I probably should have put some art house flick or some documentary about starving wombats in the Ukraine in its place. But I didn’t.
And boy, did I pay for that stupid mistake.
There simply are no words for how utterly fucking horrible this cinematic abortion is. It’s worse than all of Tyler Perry’s movies put together. It’s worse than 95% of the contestants on American Idol. It’s worse than both Star Wars: The Phantom Menace and The Attack of the Clones.
It’s so bad, I didn’t finish it. I gave up about thirty minutes in and ejected the stupid DVD.
Here are the following reasons I quit watching “Transformers 2”:
1. I had no idea what the fucking plot was.
So, apparently, there’s this thing called the Cube or Allspark or something and it popped out of something that Sam Witwicky had from the first movie and it was supposedly BAD. Very Bad. The Fallen were coming to exact revenge on something for some reason, but oh, dear God, I don’t care, because…
2. …Megan Fox is in this fucking movie.
Yeah, I know she’s supposedly every prepubescent heterosexual male’s wet dream, but to me, she is one big bucket of DUH.
This is what I see when I see Megan Fox.
The first time we see Megan Fox, Every Prepubescent Heterosexual Male’s Wet Dream, she’s splayed across a motorcycle and is “airbrushing” it.
Someone, help me understand just where the “sexy” is in this photo.
See, to me, that position looks utterly uncomfortable. I mean, who airbrushes with their ass stuck out so far, they look like a cat in heat presenting itself–ohhh, I get it. Michael Bay, you sneaky cuss, you! You’re doing a humorous critique on the presentation of women as objects in American mass culture, aren’t you! Either that, or you’re a one-dimensional hack who has to distract moviegoers from your woeful inability to write or direct a movie with compelling characters by slinging T-and-A left, right and center in between meaningless and random explosions. Which brings me to…
3. The movie begins with a completely confusing bang.
In 2006, when “Superman Returns” came out, I had wished that Bryan Singer had given the movie a more interesting opening. I didn’t think we needed to see Lex Luthor scheming an old widow out of her money–at least, not right after the opening credits. But at least that scene had some kind of purpose–in Transformers 2, a bunch of robots start fighting in Shanghai. While the visuals were impressive, I damn near had a seizure because I couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on. The U.S. military (or so it appeared) seemed to be based in this L.A.-looking Shanghai and fighting alongside the Decepticons without any comment. If you were in the military and fighting alongside robots that were about five stories tall, could talk, and had futuristic weapons, wouldn’t you be a little gobsmacked?
Anyway, after the completely confusing fight in L.A./Shanghai, we cut to wherever the hell Sam Witwicky and his annoying parents live.
4. The Witwicky Parents Must Die!
Who the fuck are these idiots and why aren’t they dead?
Oh, my fucking God. If I had paid money to see this shit in the theater, I probably would have walked out after the first scenes with these two unfunny accretions of cellular material. Since Sam (Shia LePothead) is getting ready to go to “college,” his mother is all weepy and running around with his baby booties or whatever the fuck those stupid orthopedic shoes are that babies are saddled with. The father is all, “Get out, kid; we’re turning your room into a home theater.” You know, because that’s what men do. We don’t show emotions or get choked up about the fact that the fruit of our fifteen minutes of fevered huffing and puffing and fumbling around is about to go off to college and spend four years experimenting with marijuana, dating a string of poor women who could’ve done better, and trying to make the highest grades for the least work. No, we’re men. Manly men. Men who are manly men don’t show emotions–that’s what the womenfolk do! Thank you, Michael Bay for completely invalidating anything feminist theorists have said about gender and performativity and all that stuff.
In between both of them acting fucking stupid about their only kid going to college, they goose each other and make thinly veiled sexual commentary–apparently, they haven’t had sex in eighteen years and are planning to turn their empty nest into a romper room. A romper room of SEX.
After that sickening display of gender conformity, Sam calls the aforementioned Megan Fox and tells her that he’s got a webcam so they can webcam and talk and whatever while he’s at Generic State College. Megan Fox gets all “pouty” (to me, she looks like her face is melting) and oh, god make it STOP.
Fortunately, it does stop, for a shard of whatever technology falls out of something and through to first floor kitchen. Somehow, it animates all the electronic/electric appliances and they become transformers. Immediately, they seek out Sam and try to kill them. YAY! But then Sam’s car which is also a Transformer saves him. BOO! Of course, it cannot save him without destroying a good chunk of the house…
…and then we’re at Generic State College, where his parents, the aforementioned sex fiends, are marveling at the campus. Um. Didn’t your house get fucked up just a scene ago? Was it the same day? Ten days prior? What the–? Oh, I don’t care. Just die.
5. Is this a comedy? Or an action movie?
The tonal shifts in this movie occur at breakneck pace. One moment, you’re watching a doofus family acting all kinds of stupid; the next moment, Decepticons and Autobots are fighting and then Megan Fox is splayed all over a damn motorcycle. And then you’re seeing Autobots acting like they’re in a damn Amos and Andy show.
6. Skids and Mudflap. Oh, HELL no.
These two make Jar Jar Binks look like an NAACP Image Award winner.
Not content to destroy gender equality and our eardrums, Michael Bay decides to assault the Civil Rights movement by introducing two of the most racist characters this side of a damn Star Wars prequel. Skids and Mudflap (if you could even tell them apart in the movie) are two shuckin’ and jivin’ Autobots…one of them has a gold tooth. You heard me.
A gold tooth.
Those two showed up, and I had had enough. Game over. The end. I ejected that piece of shit and put in “Superman Returns.” It may not have been perfect, but at least it didn’t make my blood boil thirty minutes into the damn movie.