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Law and Order: Stuntcasting Victims Unit April 29, 2010

Posted by Skippy in Law and Order, Observations, Popular Culture.
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Holy crap. Sharon Stone is doing a four-episode stint on Law and Order: SVU. The first of those four eps aired last night.

So how was it, you might ask?

Now, I don’t know what the writers are smoking, and I don’t know what Dick Wolf is smoking (besides crack through $100 bills), but I’ve had fever-induced nightmares that were better than last night’s episode.

Our trip through the land of Fail begins with a father running out of his brownstone screaming for help, because his house is on fire and his two daughters are inside. Then BOOM!! the rest of the brownstone goes up in flames and the kids die and then we go to opening credits.

After we come back from commercials, Elliot and Olivia are on the scene investigating the fire. They’re told that there’s a new ADA on the way…and it’s Sharon Stone. I don’t know what her character’s name is, but it really doesn’t matter, does it? She could be named Harriet Tubman, and all you’d know by watching her “performance” is that it is Sharon Batshit Crazy Stone. Bear in mind, I’ve only seen her in one movie, “Basic Instinct.” Wait, scratch that. I did watch “Catwoman.” And “Alpha Dog.”

God, I have horrible taste in movies. No wonder I don’t buy many DVDs.

Anyway, realizing that I have actually seen her sad attempts at acting, I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised at how stinky her performance in SVU was, but I was. Every scene was chewed up and spat out like she was a meth-addicted pitbull. She stalked each scene with squinty eyes and horrible line readings. What was worse, the lines themselves were horrible. Just…just horrible. Her lines weren’t dialogue as much as they were declarations. I wouldn’t have been surprised to hear her bellow “THIS! IS! SPARTA!”

And again, Stabler and Benson come off as the two dumbest cops in the history of cops. Back to the “plot” of this episode, through their defective detective skills, they arrest a guy known as “Pizzaface”(because of his acne! How creative!) who is also a pyromaniac. He confesses after a particularly disturbing interrogation wherein Stabler sets a trashcan on CGI fire and we watch Pizzaface nearly have an orgasm. Even Sharon Stone knows that the defense would claim that Stabler had sexually harassed the suspect, so she stops the interrogation. But wait! It’s only 9:15! He can’t be the arsonist. Enter the fire marshal, who argues that the evidence doesn’t point to the kid who confessed.

Then Benson and Stabler set their sights on the father. Like last week, they go after this new suspect with unchecked zeal, but they have no evidence. They do, however, have a guy who confessed, but they LET HIM GO. Jack McCoy shows up to utter some lines that make me wonder if this show is being written by people who’ve never ever seen an episode of Law and Order. Yes, Jack is the DA and that calls for different priorities, but Jack has always been the Eyebrows of Justice. The Jack I’m familiar with would likely have gone with prosecuting the GUY WHO CONFESSED, not the father. Not the Jack of Law and Order: Crazy People Doing Crazy Shit. This Jack, this Mirror Universe Jack goes after the dad too, leaving Sharon Batshit Crazy Stone as the lone voice of actual reason.

To further the WTF quotient of this show, Sharon Stone is called to the prison (Riker’s?) to meet with the father. Somehow, he produces a knife–not a homemade shiv, but an actual knife–and cuts himself to show that he’s honest about his honest protestation that he didn’t do it. Sharon Stone is screaming “Code 14! Red Alert! All Hands To Battlestations! Cheeseburger! Cheeseburger!” and it takes the prison guard twenty damn minutes to show up. I swear, what the fuck was that prison guard doing? Downloading Japanese anime? Shooting up heroin? Abusing a prisoner? God.

And then Brad Dourif shows up.

Yes, that Brad Dourif.

He’s supposedly some really really smart fire expert and he shows Sharon Stone that the fire wasn’t caused by an accelerant. And for this, they needed to get Brad Fucking Dourif? There isn’t a fiftysomething not-quite-so-famous actor in NYC who could’ve done this? I guess Brad needs a new sauna. So, with this new evidence in hand, Sharon Stone goes ahead with the fucking trial just so she can show this new evidence (complete with 3D computer modeling of the fire–dammit, stop it, SVU!) to the judge and embarrass the fire inspector.

Waitafuckinminute. Wouldn’t the space heater that caused the fire that killed the kids be in the charred remains of the room? Could a fire inspector be that stupid as to not notice that along with the faulty wiring that would have sparked the fire? But wait another fucking minute. Sharon Stone just posits the faulty space heater as a theory–there’s no actual evidence to show that there was even a space heater in the room–and we have a pyromaniac WHO CONFESSED.

It’s finally happened: an episode of Law and Order where the writers (called “pot monkeys” over on Television Without Pity) were so baked, they completely forgot about all the plot twists they created and said, “Fuck it, let’s just write ‘The End.'”

CHUNG! CHUNG!

Oh! I forgot to mention that Sharon Stone’s character was a former cop…who was Stabler’s partner. How fucking long has he been a cop? Anyway, there’s a wretched scene between Sharon Stone and Olivia where Sharon Stone asks Olivia, “Have you ever slept with Elliot?” Olivia, with a disgusted look on his face, says “Um, he has a penis!” No, actually, she says, “Um, he’s married!” Sharon Stone, channeling her character in “Basic Instinct,” throws off a sick little laugh and says, “Psh, right!” And scene.

WHAT ARE THESE WRITERS ON?

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