Law and Order: People Are Crazy! April 22, 2010Posted by Skippy in Humor, Popular Culture.
Tags: I didn't see that coming, Law And Order, trainwrecks
Children, it’s been a while since I’ve seen a new episode of Law and Order: Special Victims Unit(SVU). Remember when that show was good? Elliott and Olivia got really interesting–if not totally fucked up–cases and the occasional plot twist was usually unexpected, but completely logical.
Last night’s episode was so bad, that my joke about who dunnit actually turned out to be true!
Ok, so a woman was found with her throat slit; she had also been raped. That’s pretty par for the course for SVU, right? Well, Stabler (he’s anything BUT Stable) and Benson (she who has All The Drama–and an Emmy!) immediately suspect the woman’s vegan, overly pet-friendly, total milquetoast boyfriend. It made absolutely no sense whatsoever. But in SVU-land, anyone can be a brazen murderer. Anyone.
Oh, and when did the SVU get such cool tech toys? They’ve got these giant TV screens that you can draw on and can triangulate the shield frequency of the closest Federation…oh, wait. Wrong franchise. Sorry. Anyway, they really have cool shit and they don’t mind showing it off every damn episode now. It’s getting kind of annoying. If I wanted that level of unreality, I’d watch CSI. So stop it with the giant iPads, ok?
So anyway, vegan boyfriend didn’t do it. It was obvious to the viewers, but not to Benson and Stabler, who went after him with a blind righteousness found only in the eyes of a Crusader on his way to try to reclaim Jerusalem for the Byzantine Empire. They eventually follow the trail and clues (like, fibers of clothing, and dog saliva and I don’t know, I just watch) to some dude who worked at a meat packing plant. Then they find a bunch of pictures of women’s butts on her computer. Huh, whaaaa–?
Fig. 1 Ice-T is smoking what I should be smoking to get through this episode.
It seems our deceased was working to uncover unsafe practices at a local meat packing plant. When we came back from commercial, we were dropped into the end of a commercial being filmed for Donna Rosa meats. A kindly old woman is serving only the best meats to her totally fake family. I started singing something like “The Old Lady did it! She’s totally a murderer!!!” I then thought, “Wouldn’t it be wild if that old lady killed her?”
Blah, blah, blah, stupid plot twists, the detectives finally settle on a plausible suspect.
Fig. 2 Looks like a murderer to me! Book him, Dano!
But no! He didn’t, even though he folded like a cheap suit! Because the deceased’s throat was slit from left to right, indicating that murderer was right handed. The accused in the ugly sweater was a lefty! Dun Dun DUNNNN!!!! Therefore the real murderer is out there…which obviously leads
Benson and StablerMunch and Benson (I guess Elliott was late for one of his rage sessions) to Donna Rosa’s apartment to ask questions.
Fig. 3 Why are you questioning me? I’m a sweet old lady who wouldn’t hurt a fly!
Fig. 4 MURDERERRRRRRRRR!!
So, yeah. The old lady did it. And put her son up to lying about it. And tried to frame another worker for the crime by typing a letter to his wife that made it appear as though the worker was having an affair with the deceased. Totally makes sense.
Now what have we learned from this Very Special Episode of SVU? That’s right: don’t trust the elderly. They will cut your throat and make it look like you were raped and then frame someone else for your faked rape.