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What Day Is It? April 16, 2010

Posted by Skippy in Sports.
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Why, it’s Facepalm Friday!

Fig. 1 Portrait of a Douchebag

The Atlanta Journal-Constitution reports another woman is alleging that Ben Roethlisberger forced himself on her.

Wow, Ben. You successfully fended off not one, but two allegations of sexual assault. However, methinks that the third time that someone alleges that you’ve been far less than gentlemanly is an example of the old adage “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire.”

Now, what I don’t get is this: despite the fact that you look like the unfortunate offspring of hellfire and damnation, you have more money than God and could pretty much get any a lot a good number of women to willingly have sex with you. Why assault someone? It just doesn’t make sense.

But then, as I think about it more, I think I get it: you’re into power and domination–it’s clear from the reports and allegations that, if true, you really kinda get off on dominating women. You’ve clearly bought into some mythology of yourself as untouchable, as evidenced here:

The incident allegedly occurred during a party at Roethlisberger’s house in central Georgia. A young woman not interviewed by authorities claims the quarterback pulled his pants down and told her she could “do whatever she wants,” according to the GBI report.

Well now, Big Ben. Perhaps this was all a misunderstanding. An isolated incident that in no way indicates a pattern of abuse towards women.

A week later, the woman attended another party thrown by Roethlisberger. She claims the 28-year-old quarterback was drunk and forced his hand up her skirt. She was able to escape and informed her father of the incident but he apparently encouraged his daughter not to pursue a criminal complaint, the report states.

Oh, wait. Guess not. I could write a lengthy analysis of how sports culture has probably instilled in you a belief that your talent and fame excuses you from the petty mores and customs we mere mortals have to follow. You’re a demigod, so you can get all the free strange you want, because it’s all about you, right? And you’ll have more than a few mentally deficient supporters telling you and the world that these women are just trying to bring you down or get your money, because these women are nothing but filthy whores who totally wanted it, what with the way they dressed and acted when you were buying them free drinks. They’re just trying to trap good men such as yourself.


Fig. 2 Ladies, do NOT let this one get away!

So, Big Ben, congratulations. You are the recipient of this week’s Captain Jean-Luc Picard Facepalm.

Enjoy, you sad sack of fecal matter.

P.S. I await with bated breath your eventual press conference wherein you use the passive voice to describe your reprehensible behavior, the Steelers eventually releasing you from your contract, and the inevitable stint in “rehab” and/or prison. Then you and Michael Vick will start a national speaking tour where you talk about the “bad choices” you made that led you both to becoming barnacles on the bottom of society.

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