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Team Jacob! April 11, 2010

Posted by Skippy in Popular Culture.
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Children, I watched Twilight: New Moon last weekend.

Yes. I know. I’m a failure at life. Whatever. Shut up, haterz!

Anyway, the story is utterly forgettable, the acting utterly bad, and the direction laughable. After watching Twilight and New Moon, I still don’t know what Twilight is actually supposed to be about. Where is this “story” going? It’s clear that Stephenie Meyer thinks (and “thinks” is clearly the operative word here) that what she’s spewing is destined to be classic literature and the films are supposed to be cinematic representations of this classic literature. But y’all? This crap violates every canon of good storytelling.

Bella Swan: Boring, fugly, can’t dance. Well, she’s not really fugly, per se; however, this movie and this series of books makes Bella out to be the second worst literary character in human history. She has absolutely no personality, is whiny and needy; but at the same time, she repels any and everyone who would try to be her friend. How does that work?

Oh, that’s right: it doesn’t.

Edward Cullen: Women find this guy hot? SRSLY? While I am not completely familiar with the ways of the heterosexual, I do have enough heterosexual friends to know that there are objective standards of taste and attraction that would seem to preclude the inclusion of this person from such considerations. On top of all that, he’s an abusive, controlling, moody, morose, DEAD prat who sparkles. When he “breaks up” with Bella because he wants to “protect” her, I don’t for one minute get Bella’s attraction to him and why she totally goes apeshit when he leaves Boring, Washington.


Oh, hai there! How are you? You’re nice looking…wait. You’re HOW OLD again?

By the 45-minute mark in “New Moon,” I began to feel like a dirty old man. Jacob was shirtless in approximately 98.431% of his scenes. I think there were two scenes where he had on a shirt. And those scenes were pretty pointless, as he would soon turn into an unbelievable CGI’d werewolf. Apparently, Taylor Lautner had to gain 30 pounds to play the newly buffed up Jacob. Mission accomplished, sir! But seriously, I’ve got articles of clothing that are older than him. And it took me going through about four Googled pages before I found a shot of this kid in clothes. Seriously, America, we need to have a conversation about not being skeevy.

Oh, and Jacob is much nicer than Edward. He doesn’t stalk Bella and act all weird. Matter of fact, Taylor Lautner doesn’t really do any acting at all. He smiles, he smiles at Bella and he sort of frowns at people as he runs around shirtless.

So. We’ve got a guy who’s subjectively hotter than Edward, is, as a character, not totally as dickish as Edward,* and seems genuinely interested in the utterly uninteresting Bella. Who does Bella choose?

Why, Edward, of course!

That is one of the million problems with this movie. It has absolutely no plot. The “plot,” such as it is, seems to appear out of nowhere towards the end of the movie, where Bella has to jet off to Italy to prevent Dumbass–I mean, Edward from sacrificing himself to the Voltrons for reasons that I still don’t understand. What’s more, I didn’t care that it didn’t make sense. Anyhoodle, we are forced to watch this ridamndiculous scene of Doofus–I mean, Bella slow-mo running to Dumbass to stop him from–oh! I remember now!–revealing himself to the world and thus having the Voltrons kill him. Because if a vampire reveals him/herself to the world, the effete council of rejects from an Anne Rice novel kill them.

I must confess to a sort of morbid curiosity when it comes to the “Twilight” movies. Not the books–I read a couple of pages after a few drinks with friends and even super snarky drunken readings can’t make sitting through those doorstops entertaining. The movies, however, are valiant attempts to make the heinously sexist, weirdly hypersexual-yet-absolutely anti-sexual messages palatable to moviegoing audiences. I am clearly not the target demographic for these movies. The filmmakers realize that those who go to these movies are


and

The first group, I can excuse. They don’t have the taste God gave a dead rat. They like crap like glitter and sparkles and ponies and really cute, fey twits on Disney who will later grow up to have crack cocaine addictions and a predilection for cruising parks and rest stops for rough tricks. Unfortunately, when these children congregate together, their shrieky, shrill voices and inane prattle is enough to make me reconsider my probationary membership in the human race. And since Edward sparkles, I guess I can see why they text their friends with stuff like, “ZOMG, EDWRD IS SOOOOOOOOOO CUUUUTE! PONIES!!!”

The second group is women–grown ass women–like Stephenie Meyer who have the most fucked-up views on love and relationships this side of Dr. Laura Schlesinger. This group refuses to see the utterly insane and sexist ideology that permeates nearly every frame of these movies. This group of people is hard to reason with, for they can only babble about how “Edward is the perfect boyfriend.”** These people insert themselves into the narrative (it’s really easy, since Bella is personality-free anyway) and think of themselves as the subject of Edward’s creepy attentions. They think that they can “find” a “perfect love” like Bella/Edward and have probably carried around these retarded delusions of bodice-ripper love their entire lives. If these grown ass women are married, they probably torture their poor husbands with absurd questions like, “Why can’t you be more like Edward??” or “Edward went to Italy to sacrifice himself because of his pure love for Bella. Would you do the same for me?” or “Why can’t you have a body like Jacob??”

Fig. 1 You too can have this body if you a) work out obsessively, b) eat only red meat and protein shakes, and c) hire a trainer. An expensive one. It’s easy!

* There’s a scene where the phone at Bella’s house rings. Jacob answers. It’s Blah Blah–Jacob essentially lies to Blah Blah, leading to Dumbass thinking that Doofus is dead. Um, not cool, Jacob, not cool.
** I am quoting two grown ass women I saw interviewed on television the night the first “Twilight” movie premiered. It was then that I lost all faith in humanity.

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