Why Did I Watch “Why Did I Get Married”?: Part Deux March 30, 2010Posted by Skippy in Popular Culture.
Tags: movies, tyler perry, why did i get married
Not content enough to present some the most thinly drawn, stereotypical characters this side of a Disney film, Tyler Perry also feels the need to employ every hackneyed, predictable and utterly trite cliche and “plot twist” imaginable. From the “plot” summary, you’d think that the movie takes place at this retreat in Colorado. You’d be wrong. Sadly, the retreat is merely a device in order to move these stupid characters to stupid resolutions. The stupid resolutions happen after–waaaay after–the retreat. So, the retreat really doesn’t make much sense other than to “tie” these idiots together. The “revelatory” dinner at the retreat where every “secret” comes out is anticlimactic and is rooted in showing up the women as horrible, horrible people who emasculate their good Strong Black Men (Mike excluded–he’s the villain of the piece, so he’s drawn as badly as possible).
No one in this movie has the sense God gave a dead mule. We start out with these twits getting to Colorado. The first scene that made me yell at the television was when Sheila was driving to Colorado and appeared to have reached a crossroads. No, not a figurative crossroads. A literal crossroad. Gee, do you think that that was symbolic? That the crossroad signified something deeeeeeep? Aren’t you impressed by Perry’s use of the road as a symbol of some internal conflict going on for Sheila? No? Okay then, then be impressed by Sheila stopping, rolling down the window (in cold ass Colorado) and loudly praying that she needed to save her marriage. To a man who not only said nothing as she was kicked off a plane for being “too fat,” but also made jokes about her “fat ass” as she was leaving.
Rant time children: Why the hell didn’t she a) beat him with her purse, b) beat that heifer sitting next to him with her purse, c) call her homegirls and tell her what went down and d) stay the fuck home and treat herself to a mani, a pedi and a nice weekend at a spa before filing divorce papers? (Remember, HE filed for divorce after humiliating her and after he got called out for cheating on her) There wasn’t anything about Mike that was presented as attractive or even interesting. And because TP never shows sex scenes in his movies, we can only speculate as to Mike’s potential prowess in bed–and hell, Sheila said he wouldn’t touch her, so she ain’t staying with him because of the sex.
Which brings me to another rant: TP’s unending presentation of Black women as needing a man. A Black Man. A Strong Black Man. His movies are like the crappiest, sappiest, stupidest R&B songs set to film. The cliched dialogue (if you could call it that) is little more than talking points and lyrics spouted at other people, who reply with talking points and cliched lyrics. After the stupid-ass “retreat,” Sheila stays in Colorado. Why? Well, how else is she gonna hook up with the Strong Black Sheriff if she doesn’t stay in Colorado? Anyway, she’s talking with SBS about her husband…and she says, “Without him, I’m nothing.”
Are you fucking KIDDING ME??!? You’re nothing without an inveterate asshole who did nothing but denigrate you at every freakin’ turn? When you wore a negligee, Mike told you you looked like you were wearing a tent! He insulted you in front of your homegirls! HE MADE YOU DRIVE TO FUCKING COLORADO WHILE HE STAYED ON THE PLANE WITH HIS CONCUBINE!!!
There’s a scene where Patricia and Gavin (hey, Gavin! I thought you died or were shipped off to Guantanamo or something) have an argument about their dead child. Aside from the hilarious picture of a cross-eyed baby, there’s this bit of craptastic dialogue:
Patricia (sobbing): I’m not strong enough!! (of course you aren’t, honey. You’re a woman.)
Gavin (sobbing): I’ll be strong enough for the both of us.
Me (sobbing): YOU SONS OF BITCHES!!!
Ok, really, TP? Gavin will be strong enough for the both of them. Well bloody good for Gavin. I guess that’s all that’s needed here, right? No couples counseling, no therapy, no grief counseling. Just Gavin telling Patricia that HE’LL be strong enough for the both of them. Well, I guess all you people out there who may be dealing with a traumatic event just need a Strong Black Man written by Tyler Perry to be there for you.
And Black women, in the event that you get a Strong Black Man, well, you had better not show a glimmer of a personality. Which brings me to Angela and Ready for the World’s “subplot.” Like I said, she was the only one I liked, because she called everyone out on their BS. She called out Mike’s concubine, she called out Mike’s whoredom, and she called out some random store clerk who made a racist comment–which, by the way, was stolen directly from Eddie Murphy’s movie “Boomerang.” That pissed me off. That movie was far superior to this steaming piece of crap and TP has the unmitigated gall to lift an entire scene from that movie? Ugh. He is such a talentless hack. Anyway, Angela and RftW argue CONSTANTLY. This is to show that this uppity Black woman doesn’t know how to support and love her man–she’s emasculated him after his two year stint in the NFL by having him work for her at her salon, and undercuts him at each and every opportunity. Cute. After RftW gets angry and yells at Angela and his babymama (a little bit of me died typing that pseudo-word), Angela for some reason decides to become a demure Black woman who will cook for her man.
Whaaa–? Clearly, the best strategy in watching a TP movie is to never, ever think about anything that happens. Don’t question the implausible plot contrivances and the thinly drawn characters. Don’t wonder why gorgeous, capable actors like Sharon Leal are reduced to line-spouting mannequins in service of a sexist agenda. Don’t think about TP’s horrible sexual politics or his classist lunacy, or his inability to tell a story, or his inability to write dialogue. Just pay your money, eat your popcorn, and be grateful that there are Black people on the movie screen, no matter how wretchedly they’re drawn or how they convey horrible messages about Black life in America.